Things I've Learned Living as a Bachelor

I wrote this a couple years ago but never posted it.

Before moving to Japan, I've always lived with roommates, family etc. There's always been someone around. In that absence at the end of the day,  you discover a lot about yourself and how to function. Here's a few random things I've learned in the two years I've lived alone.

1.Dishes suck! No matter how many times I tell myself I'm going to wash my dishes right after I use them, they inevitably sit in their own filth until it smells like a baby crawled over to your sink and threw its diapers down your drain.

2. There are many very useful household items that can serve other purposes when you can't find a clean one (see above):

•  The handle of a spoon or fork makes a great knife. Not only can you eat your cereal but you can butter your toast with the same utensil.  
• Speaking of cereal, if its round and holds milk, it can be a bowl. Also, if it can be a bowl it can be a cup. 
• Chairs make great clothing racks. If you got a Japanese closet like me there is not enough space for hangers. 

3. There is a reason your mom separates your lights from your darks. Trust me. I have enough brownish, faded dark shirts or greyish white shirts to realize this. Yet I still throw it all in together and hoping the laundry fairy will magically wash them separately. Also, bleach isn't that scary.

4. Check expiration dates when you shop. Usually they put things that will expire soon toward the front of the shelf when you can have a whole extra week before it smells bad in your fridge if you dig for the back ones. (Don't forget to check expiration dates before you eat the food too.)

... now the real stuff

5. You get to discover who you are not who people think you are. Its really easy to get caught up in what people think about you and trying to portray yourself in a way that makes you fit with what people want you to be like. But when you are living alone, you can see your real side both good and bad. Sometimes you will discover that you are good at things. Sometimes you realize how lazy you really are. 

6. You get to grow. So often when I get caught up in other peoples perception of me. I get used to being what others think of me than who I really am. But when you find out what you're like when no one is watching you can start to grow on your own. For example, if you are lazy and out of shape. If you can get yourself motivated to run without anybody telling you to, then you will actually do it consistently.

New horizons: my decision to move on

I have made the decision to move on after 4 years of  working at an an amazing job that I have been so blessed to work at. It's definitely not a decision I have taken at all lightly and honestly took me a year or two to come to. 

After being blessed with a job that had truly provided so much for me both professionally and personally, I feel ready to seek new challenges reach new heights and grow more in the path God has set before me. 

As I look back, I am speechless at what an opportunity basically popped out of thin air. I still remember the feeling going into this job having no clue what I'd be doing but knowing that it would be a great adventure.

Flash forward 4 years and I have traveled more cities and countries than I would have dreamed of 5 years ago. I've had so many unique experiences with cultures that I could write books about. I've had the amazing blessing of working with so many great people that have shaped the man I am today and the person I see in the horizon.  I have also been afforded the opportunity to work with so many amazing students over 4 years that I am so proud to say I have taught and hope that I have somehow helped them grow into truly decent members of society as they continue. 

The funny thing is I have always thought going into this job that I'd be here a year not 4. But Meysen has really made it a difficult place to leave...in the best ways possible. One would be hard pressed to find a job that truly takes care of the person better than here in our amazing English utopia we call Meysen Academy in the middle of Sendai, Japan.

Japan has also become more of a home to me than I had ever expected. I've developed a deep appreciation for the order, respect and genuine humbleness that the society as a whole reflects. I feel I will always compare cultures I see in the future to that of Japan. 

I had always thought that I would leave having clear direction and knowing what I'm doing. However, God has really worked on my heart to understand the beauty is actually in the unknown. I have nothing to hold me back from truly doing anything next. I can honestly move to any country and do anything. That is exciting and a true blessing! I continue to pray that I am open to new opportunities and adventures and I follow God's lead to the right one. I also have several months to seek out the right opportunities.

I would also like to have some time  to truly be home and visit people who have always cared though I have seen and talked to so sparingly in four years. It's been wonderful getting to know my brother Ryan, his wife Sarah and their son Zachary out here in Japan the past few years and I'm excited to see how the rest of my family is doing first hand for a little while. I'm also looking forward to taking my friends up that have joked about having a room for me to stay in...haha

The truth is I have no clue what the next step or job will be for me and though it is frightening to not have this safety net of job security I've had, it's a truly exciting moment for me to see what The Lord puts in front of me.

Thank you all that have prayed for and supported me as I finish out my 4 year degree in World immersion. I pray that travels and adventures continue and that I can come back to Meysen and Sendai, Japan someday and visit. Thanks to everybody that has enjoyed/ suffered through reading all of my posts from my adventures as an outsourced teacher. God Bless! 

Starting a 4th year in Japan????...update on life

If you asked me when I first decided to come to Japan where I would be in 4 years, I definitely wouldn't have said Japan. The funny thing is I never in a million years planned on ever coming to Japan. Not that I didn't want to but that it never really crossed my mind. Then a job fair happened and all these little things falling into place that led me to exactly where I sit. Though it was never in my plans, I know God has led me all along the way. I'm only now scratching the surface of understanding it all. (feel free to read about my decision to stay here)

Without getting too wordy (hopefully),  I have a bunch of random life updates. I've constantly thought about posting something here or there. Usually, it'd be something I felt God put on my heart but then I felt awkward about sharing it with random people. I know He is tugging on me to be more open especially about my walk with Him simply because He is just that Amazing. Hopefully someday, I will feel more comfortable being open as I hope to grow closer to these verses:

Romans 12:2 " Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind..."

Basically don't follow what society tells us is normal and follow what Jesus lays on your heart to do as you follow Him. I also take it as don't try to please others and care too much about their opinions because there is only ONE opinion that matters.

James 1:12 "Blessed in the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of  life, which God has promised to those who love him."

Right here is my struggle, I tend to pray and feel God saying something but doubt myself and end up anxious and awkward.

My simple goal is to trust more and follow better. Trust me, it may be simple but it is definitely not easy.

Its in following these verses that led me right on this path I am on to stay here, even in the face of doubt and discouragement as I looked toward the end of the year. Yet, I still felt God telling me to stay. I received a major blessing at the beginning of February:

One thing that had been on my heart if I stayed this next year was to get a vehicle. Now most people think this is A crazy or B a longterm commitment. I choose C (well A too). I wanted to feel like I lived here in this next year. A car is one way to allow me to freely navigate Japan and feel a little more normal here. Its something that you don't really understand until you get one. I had thought that I would wait until April and buy one even though it would have been a real stretch to have enough money to do it.

However, one random Sunday at church, my friend Bryan came up and said "hey, I might have a car for you its about $1000." My first reaction was to be in disbelief and go whats wrong with it, does it run? I have a really hard time accepting straight up blessings. This was one. The catch was that I had to decide and buy it by that Wednesday. Long story short, I got the car and its exactly what I need. It gets me where I need to go and I can afford to get rid of it, if I feel led to leave this country. Everytime I get in that car, I think "Wow God, you are amazing!" Trust me its nothing fancy, no Beemer or Lexus and its definitely got its share of issues... just like me! Thats what I like about it.

Another change this last March was saying goodbye to friends that made the initial journey here with me. Friends that have been through the earthquake, travel stories, life with me. My friend Aaron, I can honestly say one of my best friends I've had and even someone I look up to as a man even though he is younger than me. Its amazing to see how God has grown him over these years and his relationship with his fiance Mallory. Its another one of those things where I look at the two of them and just go "wow, God you are amazing!" I realize this is a friendship that no matter how long we go without talking, things go right back to like they were before we left, just like my great friends from home.

In keeping up with the life changes, I also had to make a change. I've always wanted to teach 1st grade since coming to Japan. I loved working with this age when I got the chance to sub back home. They have such a passion to learn and understand things at this age which makes it a lot of fun to teach.

On top of teaching first grade, I will also be teaching 3 year olds and the first year of Premier High School. For many, toddlers is their first exposure to English, its even when they learn their English names. For me, it means I can be super ridiculous and get an energy boost to start my day.  Premier High School will be more of a normal 7th grade English class you'd see in America. The pioneer class just graduated in March from 6th grade. It should be an interesting challenge.


My goal is to stay busy, positive, and focused. Above all, I pray to grow in my walk and keep my heart focused on God's plan for my life. I've got a lot of changes coming up and am both excited and nervous to see where this year takes me! Please keep my sanity (haha) and focus in your prayers as I take on these challenges.

side note...For spring break I also went to Kyoto and Osaka and had a good time seeing all the great sites in the rain. If I have time, I try to post about it someday soon!

For people that know my brother Ryan and his wife Sarah, they are also doing great out here. He's leading the 4th grade and she is leading the K4 kindergarten.  Their son Zachary is starting in the Japanese Kindergarten K4 program. He is like a local celebrity and speaks better Japanese than I do. I am Jealous.
Its definitely been another "wow God you are amazing!" things to enjoy having family here in Japan going through the same situations as me.

I think thats all the random updates.
Hope to see many people in October when I'm home for a week!!

The Church That Meets In a Bar

I've lived in Japan for 3 years now and have grown older, grayer, balder, and some might even say wiser. But the greatest growth internally for me is clear. Its my understanding of God's relationship with me. If it weren't for my relationship with God, there is no way I would have stayed longer than a year. Honestly, I would have never returned after the earthquake.  Yet I feel a strong connection in my walk with God still here in Japan.

It may seem odd because 99% of Japan does not claim to be Christian. In America, it would be hard to travel around and not see a church. Some places feels like there is a church on every corner. Yet here in Japan, there is a distinct absence. To me, its that absence that makes the presence so much more real. Often, I find the relationships that you have to seek and strive for are worth the most. In Japan, churches are not very easy to come by. So as a Christian, you have to be diligent in your search for the right one for you. For me its clear:

• A Genuine heart for God and worship of Him. 
• Bible Centered
• A passion and vision to build up its members and positively enrich the worldly community in a way that Jesus would. 

Its an interesting change for me. When I sought God as an after thought, my list would have been:

• short and sweet
• later start time
• not too preachy/judgemental

The simple change for me happens when I made the shift from church being a duty, something you gotta do before you fall asleep watching the Detroit Lions break your heart on Sundays, (Good luck Caldwell!) to a true joy. Church has become like a medicine for me. I show up and can feel refreshed. Its easy to make the excuses not to go but when you are actually looking forward to God's presence and worship, church feels less like a chore. All of a sudden you start looking for churches to check out when on vacation. Quick plug: visit The Street City church if you're ever in Wellington.

Now to the point of the post. Church doesn't matter where you meet or whether you have 5 or 500 people in the seat as long as it follows those first 3 steps. Since last January, I made the conscious effort to check out Praise Community Church for a month. I've been here for over 2 years at that point so I had heard of it and checked it out on multiple occasions. Some of my best friends here go there so it made sense to give it a real shot and apply myself there. 

One thing that was always evident there is a true heart and warmth for Jesus. 7 nights a week, this place is a Japanese/motown style bar. You walk in and see alcohol and tons of MoTown posters from years ago along with a DJ table. But the feel on Sunday mornings is very different. Its a place of worship. Its a place that welcomes anyone. As you get into church, you tend to forget the surroundings and feel His presence. 

Its also a place that dives into the Gospel. Taka, the pastor, thinks through his sermons and develops a message over several weeks. Its not the same old story every week. He also seamlessly blends great real life examples that can bring out the message from the Bible. I often am there and feel like something in the message is speaking directly to me. Sometimes its eerie... One time, I had just talked to a friend about the meaning of a Bible verse the day before(Matthew 6:21) and I thought about it just as I got out of the subway. I waltz in to church late (whoops) and as I settle in awkwardly, that exact verse gets explained. God likes to make my brain explode with "coincidences" haha.  The other great truth is that the message would be the same whether 5 or 500 people are there. I think Taka would stand up there and give the same effort if there was just one person besides himself showing up. 

It is this heart and drive that makes PCC special. At the heart of the church is an accepting soul that invites anyone to come. One day, a drunk guy even stumbled off the subway and came to church. I actually had to poke him everytime he started snoring so that I could hear the message. The church welcomed him with open arms regardless of his afflictions. PCC also has been plugged into the community in a God centered way to help and share God's love by regularly visiting homeless communities, people that have suffered through the tsunami damage, and English conversation times. These things are done with no strings attached but to simply show God's love to others. 

Through these strengths, I have seen both the vision and heart grow in this church so much over the past year. It's becoming a usual occasion to run out of seats on Sundays. I seem to see new faces that continue to return each week. Its been a truly amazing blessing to see this growth. With the growth, I've seen so many people take on leadership roles to take this church even further with God's blessing. I am excited to see the direction for this church which is a strong reason why I stayed for another year!  

* I also want to share that there are many other churches doing amazing things for the Sendai community and Japan. I believe that each is unique and has its strengths and a true heart for God.

Please keep the strength of all the churches here in Japan in your prayers.

   

If you're ever visiting the Sendai area, feel free to visit Praise community church. Heres the Facebook link that tells you when and where: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Praise-Community-Church/184494033495

New Zealand/How I spent my Christmas vacation

Every year since I moved to Japan, I've gone home for Christmas. Its almost become an expectation with my family and friends. It makes my life easy: the school pays for it, most of my friends are in the area, I celebrate my favorite holiday with the people I love. This year, I had it stuck in my mind that I didn't want to go home for Christmas. My parents came to visit in the summer and I was partially convinced that I wasn't going to stay here for another year (whoops). I started thinking of the main countries I wanted to visit before going back home and having that normal life. I came down to two countries: New Zealand and Italy. Italy because of all the historical cities and culture, and well because I think Italian women are beautiful ;). New Zealand because it gives me the image of a true backpackers paradise, so much country to roam and activities to do PLUS they speak English!  Long story short, I found a really cheap flight that left on Christmas to New Zealand so I went. 

It was by far the strangest Christmas I had ever experienced even looking back I kind of forget that it was Christmas. I stayed in a hostel at Haneda Airport then flew out to Taipei, Taiwan at 7AM. There I was met by the guy who trained myself and several others when I first came to Japan. He is currently working as a missionary in Taipei. He took me around showed me the 101 tower and the night market. We also got a chance to talk about the foundation of the school I am a part of. I got to know the real heart behind everything we do. I can tell you first hand my school is run by people that truly believe in God and whose focus is to spread His message through the Bible. We had some very interesting conversations which I think was probably my favorite part of Taiwan.

• A few quick notes about Taiwan: The food is cheap and sometimes strange. You can have drinks and food with snake venom in it. Its supposed to make you feel younger. I was afraid to try it with my ensuing flight. The people are friendly and courteous. When I visited China on layovers, it was common to feel pushed around yet in Taiwan it was quite the opposite. 

Sooo there's a million ways I can go about writing about my time in New Zealand and the random stuff I did but I've heard lots of people tell me how they always wanted to go there so I figured it would be nice to give some tips from my adventure.

First some numbers: Here is what I did travel wise: Haneda Airport (Japan) to Songshan (Taiwan) 12 hour layover to Taoyuan (Taiwan) to Sydney (that was a surprise) to Auckland. Bus to Hamilton to Waitomo to Otoronga to hamilton to Rotorua to Auckland. Fly to Wellington and back. I stayed in and changed hostels 9 times. Used 4 different currencies. Visited 4 different Time Zones. Experienced America's Christmas in four different countries. 

TIP #1:  Have lots of time. Most people I met have been traveling New Zealand for months and some even began working there. Its not easy to get around when you are on a time crunch. 

TIP #2: Rent a car. Busses are pretty hard to come by and to fit your exact schedule. If you are looking to meet people and have lots of time then there are busses that can do your whole travel plans which is cool. Other than that, if you get a car you can go where you want and when you want. There is SO MUCH beautiful countryside/coastal area that you would never see if you weren't in a car. 

TIP #3: If you want a good central location in the north island that is easy to do pretty much anything you want, then choose Rotura. Its right by the beach and a nice touristy town and easy to walk around. It does smell like sulfur though. 

TIP #4: Have a general idea of what you want to do but don't be too locked in. Upon getting to places, I found myself wanting to change my plans but didn't want to lose a hostel i paid for or a bus ticket I bought. New Zealand is the perfect place to just go with the flow.

TIP #5: Make your own food. Everything is expensive. A candy bar cost $3. A bottle of water (tap is free) costs $3. An average dinner will set you back around $30. Pancakes or French Toast for breakfast at most places with coffee will be about $20. If you want a full meal for less than $10 look for Mc Donalds but even there lots of meals are around $15.

TIP #6: There is no such thing as coffee. If you want to make a barista's head explode just order a straight up run of the mill coffee. The first question they will ask is "What kind?" Coffee to New Zealanders is Espresso either as a long black, flatt white, americano, or a mocha all for about the exact same price. The only place I saw regular drip coffee was at Mc Donald's and Starbucks. Bonus tip: The best place for free wifi is Mc Donalds. Or if you are in Wellington, go to TePapa Museum. 

There's millions of random moments and stories I could share here about my experience. New Zealand as a whole is a beautiful country. The food is pretty great and reminds me more of American style restaurants. The tough thing coming from Japan is that I dive right in to the food that I never get in Japan which can be expensive. Seeing a Mexican restaurant is like Christmas for me.

My favorite thing I did was black water rafting. This is in Waitomo. I rapelled 30 meters into a cave then took a zipline from one part to another only to tube through these glow worm caves. Then I finished by free climbing up two waterfalls. Its definitely not something for the person that is claustrophobic but it was great!  My favorite was the free climb. I've developed an interest since rock climbing in Thailand last spring. The climb wasn't super dangerous but if you fell you'd get hurt. It kind felt like a grown up's jungle gym.

In Rotorua, I went and saw a geyser shoot off (no not some old man, the water volcano) along with lots of really cool looking springs. Also, I had a chance to beat both Aaron and Mallory (my soon to be married friends and coworkers also in New Zealand) in miniature golf. I had to throw that in there to rub it in. Unfortunately, we only spent 3 days together as we did different things and went opposite directions most of the time but it was good to have people I knew around. 

In Wellington, I went to see where they shot lots of Lord of the Rings movies. It is also where the movie premiered. Peter Jackson and James Cameron now live there so Wellington is becoming a second Hollywood. The tour itself was interesting. They took us to where they shot scenes and then took pictures of volunteers reenacting them. Like Katniss Everdeen, I volunteered of course (btw go see the second hunger games). 

Honestly though, one of the great things about this vacation was my ability to just travel and do what I wanted by myself. Traveling alone can be kind of scary. For me it wasn't so much fear of people taking advantage of me. It was more fear of having no one to talk to and to share experiences with. But it seemed everywhere I went I met somebody and made a friend at least in the moment of the event. I met tons of people from all over the world, mostly Germany. Many people joked that you can get around speaking German around New Zealand with all the tourists. Everybody has their unique story. Like this one guy who is literally riding his bike around the world or the guy who moved to New Zealand to open a Kebab shop but now wants to pursue his love of cars. But most importantly, it was a great opportunity for me to see that the world is beautiful and that there are friends everywhere you go even if you haven't met them yet.

 

Living intentionally: Staying for a 4th year

I'm sure we all know the guy that stuck around high school a little bit too long after graduation. He's 30 years old thinks he's cool because all the high schoolers come to his house for all the parties. He talks about how his time in high school  were the glory years. Or the 8th year senior in college that is still changing his major but really just isn't ready to face the real world. Both of these guys have issues. They are trying to hide from reality. But what exactly is reality?

Now some people will tell me that life here in Japan is not exactly reality and I'm just biding my time until I go back to America and have a "normal life." There have often been times in the past few years where jobs have come up and people have told me, "you can come home and apply for this job!" But the truth is the more I see the world the more I want/need to see the world. Of course, it would be nice to be somewhat settled in my day to day type world but there is so much adventure to be had.

This past year for me has been the hardest to truly decide to stay. If you asked me if I was going to stay in June, I would have said NO. I even talked with my bosses in the summer and told them that I was probably leaving this next year. However, summer vacation gave me hope. It was the first time I got a chance to really see Japan in all its beauty. My brother's family and I road tripped around Japan and I saw actual Japan. There is nothing quite like the views of Japanese countryside. There are these amazing mountains, waterfalls, and towns that are just all over the place. Yet, its so easy to get caught up with the day to day of this job and truly miss the beauty of the life God has given me here in Japan.

I have a job with bosses that truly care about me and want nothing more than me to succeed and a school that is deeply founded in Christian principles that have even helped me to grow as a Christian. After the huge earthquake in 2011, they were the only ones that told me exactly like it was. Not America's embassy, not Japan but MeySen. It would be very difficult to find a school that treats you as well as MeySen does.

There are definitely struggles that go along with this too and the longer you are here the more those things can eat at you. But I think that is true with any job. I've had so many times in this past year where I questioned what I was doing with my life. If I stayed too long already and all kinds of negative thoughts. Pushing through all that, I have grown a true appreciation for what I have been given here and also how amazing God has been to me here. Not just at Meysen but in the position my life is in.

Just like most single 28 year olds, I think aw crap what am I doing with my life. I should be settled down with the picket fenced house and 2.5 children (yes point 5, and I  love him the same). But when you get caught in the should be's you tend to miss that greatness of the moment you are in.

The one thing I plan to do differently in this next year is actually live like I live here. Often, us teachers tend to treat this job as a step to the next place. Then we find ourselves here for a longer time and wonder why we know no Japanese and still haven't taken the time to enjoy the culture we live in. So this next year, I plan on studying more Japanese, getting a car and living intentionally. Does that mean I will stay longer than a year? No, but it doesn't mean that I won't. In this next year I just plan to grow more as a person and in my walk with God, truly enjoying the life God gave me here.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight
-Proverbs 3:5-6


With this decision, the hardest part is how much I truly miss my friends and family that have cared about me through this whole experience and wait for me to come home. I would love nothing more than to see everybody and be home to visit everybody. Its honestly, the hardest part of committing to stay knowing I will not see many people and special events in their lives. Just know that if you are a person that still calls yourself my friend or family you will always be that to me no matter where I live and I can't wait until we can all see each other again!!!

random thoughts on God and indecision

When we struggle and deal with issues and uneasiness we tend to assume God is working in that to tell us to go out and get out of the situation, when in reality he may want to work on us internally so that we don't get uneasy in trying times and trust him more.

When I feel lost out here (which anybody that lives abroad can do) I constantly wonder why and assume God is telling me I need to go home and or find something new. I look for answers externally and try to find what's safe. When in reality God may want me to change my perspective on an issue or trust him more in the trying times. Does worry pain and anguish truly come from God? Are those feelings we get a device for him to tell us to go back and do what's safe? Or  is he trying to take us through the worry and issues so that we can be strengthened? 

Why do athletes lift heavy objects...so that they are stronger to perform the skills they have been gifted. Maybe the burdens on our shoulders are only placed so that when lifted you have greater power and other burdens seem inconsequential. Carrying around a sack of potatoes all day makes the weight of a loaf of bread feel like a feather. 

If we don't go through that internal strengthening we are left weak to handle adverse situations. And there are always more to come in life. But the stronger our faith grows in adversity the greater our trust grows in God,  the greater he provides for us. Not necessarily a new Car/house/money (sorry Olsteen followers) but in a true sense of his presence that is a joy like no other. The greatest reward.

By the end of October I need to decide essentially what my plan is for next year starting next April. If you know me well enough, you know that I struggle to know what I'm doing next weekend let alone several months from now. If I had it my way I could just float through from one exciting adventure to the next and continue to grow and experience new things. However, its important to have that balance. What's your next adventure can quickly seem the same as what did you have for breakfast? It becomes normal and you reach a plateau. 

The great thing is I know God is going to be in on my decision to stay or go home either way. But to be completely honest, I at times am lost in knowing which direction is truly right for me. I try to find signs in everything as to whether I should stay or go and the one thing I realized in doing that is if you are looking for signs for something you will always find them. We want to say "Alright if I walk by someone eating a tuna fish sandwich (random I know) on my way to work, then God is telling me I should do A but if I dont then I should do B." The truth is God works in so many amazing ways that right where you end up is right where you should be regardless of whether you want some ridiculous sign. 

I guess the point of this post is that we shouldn't let our own fears and doubts get in the way of what God has planned for us. If you ask God to carry you through the storm, its important not to jump out of the boat as its still floating or you may never reach that beautiful place he wants to carry you to.

A few of my favorite verses:

Proverbs 3:5

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

Isaiah 12:2

2 Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation."

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Matthew 6:27
Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?